Mothering: Choosing to Nurture Every Day

I was assigned to give a class at the annual Relief Society Women's Conference in our stake.  (A meeting for all the women who attend one of seven congregations around us).  I was assigned the topic, Mothering:  Choosing to Nurture Every Day.  I decided to post part of my class notes here so that someday, my children will know what I was attempting to do, and will see how often I fell short of my own ideals!

Practical Applications: (the How)
First things first:   The way that makes a child feel most nurtured is going to be different for each child.

• Nurturing changes over the years but your child is never too old to need nurtured.
• Sometimes it feels like what you’re doing doesn’t help but the important thing is to not give up. Miriam had colic for months.  She'd scream non stop.  I'd try holding her, she'd scream.  I'd swaddle her, she'd scream.  I'd walk her, she'd scream.  There were times when I thought to myself, "I might as well put her in her crib, she's just going to scream any way and then I can get something done."  But, I never gave up on her.  I kept trying.   For some reason, we change our thinking over the years and think it’s somehow OK or normal to have a difficult relationship with our teenagers.  Don’t settle for that lie that serves to impair the parent/child relationship at a time when your children may need it most.  Just as I wouldn’t stop nurturing Miriam with her colic, even though it didn’t seem to help, I did not give up on a prickly teenager who seethed with anger towards Dode and me for years.  
• You are your child’s closest example of Christ like love.  Heavenly Father doesn’t give up on us, our children NEED to know that we will never give up on them, nothing they can do will stop us from loving them.  Sometimes, when they're making choices we don't approve of and are acting especially unloveable, I believe that inside they don't like themselves very much and don't feel like they deserve our love.  By continually stretching our arms out to our child, we help them realize that no matter what, they have worth, value, and security in our love and in God's love.
• Sometimes, due to developmental delays or life experiences, your child needs nurturing that might seem too young for their age.  William came to us at almost the age of three.  He had a hard time attaching to us and was constantly "shopping" for parents.  For a time, each night I nestled him in my arms and gave him a bottle of sweet apple juice.  Dode said that as he would look in on us, he looked just like an infant as we spent time "eye gazing".  After a few months, he needed it less and seemed to recognize that we were mom and dad.

These are some of the things I do to try to nurture my children.

1.  Time   Dode and I make time with our children a priority.  We plan for individual time, both fun things and working together.  We've found that we need to plan for it or less important but urgent things get in the way.  Sometimes I don't know what we're going to do but I'll put, "family activity" on the calendar to make sure we have time to play.  

President Ezra Taft Benson said,  “Mothers in Zion, your God given roles are so vital to your own exaltation and to the salvation and exaltation of your family.  A child needs a mother more than all the things money can buy.  Spending time with your children is the greatest gift of all.  Take time to be a  real friend to your children. Listen to your children, really listen. Talk with them, laugh and joke with them, sing with them, play with them, cry with them, hug them, honestly praise them. Yes, regularly spend unrushed one-on-one time with each child." (To the Mothers in Zion [pamphlet, 1987], pp. 8-9)

Another aspect of time, is meet the child at their pace.  As a toddler, it is a gift of love to run at your child’s pace as much as possible.  For some children, they will always run a bit slower than you.

2.  working together, teaching by example: Like it or not, our children become like us.  As we spend time with them, work with them beside us, serve with them beside us, they learn to do the same.  

3.  Council with your husband: Sometimes Dode has insight into the heart of a specific child, sometimes I do.  By talking together, we are able to talk about things our children may be struggling with, ways to can involve them, interests we can help them develop.

4.  Figure out what makes your child feel loved:  5 love languages- try something from each: touch, time, gifts, service, words of praise

5.  Teach: Take many opportunities to instruct your children about your values, your priorities, and your skills.  

6.  Pray: For and with your children.  We have taken advantage of family prayer to pray aloud for specific challenges our children have.  In that way, we can let everyone in the family know about the needs of their siblings.

7.  Praise:  Point out their strengths.  Let them know how great you think they are, tell them, tell them often, tell others and let them overhear!  Praise should outnumber correction.  Studies have shown that parents commonly overlook 90% of the positive things their children are doing.

8.  Go the extra mile: when your child has a need, help out if you can. 
Little surprises can brighten a day and a heart.

Remember what it felt like to be a child, remember the times you felt alone and misunderstood, remember what made you feel especially loved, act accordingly.  

9.  Let them see you fail!  To our children, we look pretty perfect.  We can read well, tie our shoes, etc.  Learn something new and let your children see you try, fail, and persevere.  Their excitement when you succeed is wonderful for you and them.

10.  Stay in touch with their heart:  Talk as much as you can.  Don't allow them to wear their ear phones in the car so you can communicate.  Send unexpected notes in the mail.  

Nurturing is an attitude
Elder John A. Widtsoe explained: "There is a spiritual meaning of all human acts and earthly events. . . .  It is the business of man to find the spiritual meaning of earthly things. . . . No man is quite so happy, I think, as he who backs all his labors by such a spiritual interpretation and understanding of the acts of his life." (in Conference Report, Apr. 1922, pp. 96-97).

According to Elder Neal A. Maxwell: "The affection and thoughtfulness required in the home are no abstract exercises in love, no mere rhetoric concerning some distant human cause. Family life is an encounter with raw selfishness, with the need for civility, of taking turns, of being hurt and yet forgiving, and of being at the mercy of others' moods. (107A Christ-centered. Home)  "Family life is a constant challenge, not a periodic performance we can render on a stage and then run for the privacy of a dressing room to be alone with ourselves. The home gives us our greatest chance, however, to align our public and private behavior, to reduce the hypocrisy in our lives—to be more congruent with Christ."  (That My Family Should Partake [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1974], p. 3).

What about the need to discipline?

President Gordon B. Hinckley:"There is no discipline in all the world like the discipline of love. It has a magic all its own.” (Ensign, June 1985, p. 6.)  “When little problems occur, as they inevitably will, restrain yourself. Call to mind the wisdom of the ancient proverb: ‘A soft answer turneth away wrath.’ (Prov. 15:1.)

Discipline must be tailored to the child.
Brigham Young:  “Bring up your children in the love and [respect] of the Lord; study their dispositions and their temperaments, and deal with them accordingly, never allowing yourself to correct them in the heat of passion; teach them to love you rather than to fear you.” (Discourses of Brigham Young, 1941, p. 207.)

We have one child who if I say, "I'm disappointed in you." will go up in their room and cry.  We have other children who if told the same thing will look me in the eye and say, "Sounds like a personal problem."  Obviously the same approach will not work with both children.

Brigham Young noted, “I have seen more parents who were unable to control themselves than I ever saw who were unable to control their children.” 5With heavenly help, we can learn to respond to frustrations with patience.

Praise more than you correct
Michael Thompson, “Who Will Bear Reproof”, BYU Devotional July 9, 2002
“Now, something must be said about giving reproof: when and how. We cannot script this process. There are no rules, only a few principles. We should give correction far less often than we give commendation and praise. Praise should come often, and it should be specific and concrete. Praise is a way of saying to another, "I'm looking at you. I'm observing you, and I like what I see." When our praise is abstract or general, or if it is shoveled out indiscriminately, it loses its power and becomes flattery.  On those rare occasions when we take up a chastening rod, or offer even a mild caution, we have to be in possession of a lot of other things to go with the chastening. Among these is what President Young called "the healing balm" (JD 9:125). Brigham Young said: "If you are ever called upon to chasten a person, never chasten beyond the balm you have within you to bind up" (JD 9:124­ndash;25).  “I have been in situations where I felt a person needed a gentle correction, but I wasn't in good enough shape to give it: not enough love, not enough charity or commitment toward the other person; not enough trust in the bank to have earned the right. No, in those situations silence or a listening ear is the safest response.”  President Kimball said once:  Jesus saw sin as wrong but also was able to see sin as springing from deep and unmet needs on the part of the sinner. This permitted him to condemn the sin without condemning the individual. We can show forth our love for others even when we are called upon to correct them. We need to be able to look deeply enough into the lives of others to see the basic causes for their failures and shortcomings. [TSWK, 481­ndash;82]


Have a plan
"Sometimes when we correct children, we merely react to the circumstance. The child’s action upsets our plans or our image of ourselves as good parents, and we become frustrated or angry. Action taken with such an attitude is seldom helpful. It erodes the relationship we have developed with our children and lowers their feelings of self-respect. But as we learn to discipline our own feelings, yielding to the whisperings of the Spirit, we can make discipline a learning experience." August 2008 Ensign


By avoiding reacting to circumstances, we can take the time to give appropriate consequences to behavior.  In that way, we stay in control of ourselves and our children have a little time to "sweat" the choice.  They come up and ask, "Do you have a consequence for me yet?"  Instead of feeling let off the hook immediately, they have time to think about what they've done.

Avoid criticism and its twin sibling, teasing.
Elder H. Burke Peterson: “I personally have a hard time with people who say they believe in constructive criticism. My experience does not lead me to believe there is such a thing. My point of view is that criticism had a connotation that does not come from above. I think it is important to note that correction is different from criticism. The Lord discussed correction in his revelation the prophet Joseph Smith (D&C 121:43). He emphasized that any corrections are to be performed when moved upon by the Holy Ghost……Criticism is more judgment oriented than correction, and most of us do not have sufficient knowledge to be critical of others – especially of a spouse and children who are still growing and developing as we are.”

Teasing is a form of criticism.  We see our children do so many embarrassing things.  When we point out those faults through playful teasing, what our children hear is the criticism and don't feel safe with us.  Be the champion of your children and make your home a place of safety.

The burden is on us to maintain the relationship
It is part of our nature that when someone hurts us, lets us down or disappoints us, we want to punish them and give them the cold shoulder.  We feel that they should work hard to re-earn our love and trust after an infraction.  That is not the Lord’s way.  When we are called to give correction to our children, it is our responsibility to rebuild the relationship, not theirs.

Joseph F Smith, reprinted in Ensign, August 2004
“You can’t force your boys, nor your girls into heaven. You may force them to hell—by using harsh means in the efforts to make them good, when you yourselves are not as good as you should be. The man that will be angry at his boy and try to correct him while he is in anger is in the greatest fault; he is more to be pitied and more to be condemned than the child who has done wrong. You can only correct your children in love, in kindness—by love unfeigned, by persuasion and reason.”

Ask for forgiveness when you blow your cool.  It happens, we discipline in the moment.  We give consequences that aren't appropriate or say unkind things.  We give our children a gift of example when we go to them and apologize, explain where we think we did wrong, and ask for forgiveness.


Elder H. Burke Peterson:  "Another misunderstood and misused scripture is Doctrine and Covenants 121:43, which reads, “Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy.”   Perhaps we should consider what it means to reprove with sharpness. Reproving with sharpness means reproving with clarity, with loving firmness, with serious intent. It does not mean reproving with sarcasm,  with bitterness, or with clenched teeth and raised voice. One who reproves as the Lord has directed deals in principles, not personalities. He does not attack character or demean an individual." (Ensign, July 1989, “Unrighteous Dominion”)

I'm a huge believer in proactive Discipline and limits
August 2008 Ensign  "Within the context of a loving relationship, we can teach correct principles without linking them to our child’s negative behavior. We can teach, for example, the importance of honesty before a child ever thinks of stealing. Then if the child ever does steal, instead of becoming upset, we can discuss with him the principle and what he needs to do to repent."

If something is an ongoing problem, can you do something to eliminate the opportunity for that behavior?  In our home, setting computer time limits was a battle.  They knew they only had an hour, but when I'd tell them their time was up, I always got a lot of grief, "I just got on!  I'm almost at a save spot".  We installed software on our computer that automatically logs them off when their time is up.  Now instead of being the bad guy, I can be the consoler.  child, "I was almost at a save spot!"  me, "That's too bad, that must be frustrating."  

Be brief and considerate
August 2008 Ensign  "Sometimes parents must address more serious indiscretions with appropriate consequences. President Faust encouraged parents to use “prayerful discernment” 14 as they select consequences for misbehavior. No matter the seriousness of the offense, the method of correction must treat the child with consideration and dignity. For example, private reproof is generally better than public reproof. Address the specific infraction without dragging previous misdeeds into the conversation. Stay composed. Discuss the behavior rather than label or demean the child. Short explanations of parental expectations generally work better than extensive lecturing." 

I showed the following video which gives me so much hope as a mother.

  Mormon Messages:  Motherhood, an eternal partnership with God (4 minutes)

That video is filled with images of nurturing: hugs, working together, teaching our children, personal and family prayer, playing together, correction, listening, family scripture study

My conclusion:
Motherhood:  CHOOSING to nurture every day- It is a choice!  It takes action, work, a conscious decision to nurture, to love as the Savior would love, to love our children as our Father in Heaven loves us.  If you take only one thing from this lesson that will help you in your role as a mother, your time here will be have been well spent.  Choose that one thing, experiment with it, practice, as you do, you will draw closer to your Father in Heaven and your Savior Jesus Christ, you will become just a little bit more like them those two things will allow you to draw closer to your children.

I've gotten positive feedback from people who attended my class.  Someone even called me on the phone to say it made immediate, specific changes in her ability to nurture her child.  Comments like that made the stress and time to prepare my lesson so worth it.

Additional Resources:

Daughters in My Kingdom, Chapter 9 “Guardians of the Hearth”

The Greatest Challenge in the World: Good Parenting” James Faust, October 1990 General Conference

Disciplining with Love”, Ensign September 1985

“Love, Limits, and Latitude”, Ensign August 2008

Christlike Parenting: Dr. Glen Latham (available at church bookstore and amazon.com)