last few days of January

On Sunday, Dode was gone for a few hours home teaching and I was here with the kids.  Right about the time I decided to start making dinner, Luke made his way downstairs for a nap.  I cuddled him in and he fell back asleep.  When Dode got home an hour later, I was still sitting with Luke in my arms.  I told him I was sorry there was no dinner made and he told me that there were many many more dinners to be made but not very many times to cuddle with my little boy.  I’m glad we were on the same page because I was fully enjoying holding my little boy.

I belong to a Facebook group called Buy Nothing.  It is a worldwide movement where you join a group where you live.  The goal of the group is to get rid of things you no longer want and to ask for things you need.  When the groups grow beyond 1,000 people, they split the group.  The Arlington group was up around 1,500 and this weekend was when the split happened.  I have enjoyed lending things out and expressed sadness to one of the administrators that I’d no longer be able to help as many people.  She checked with the regional administrators who said that if I was an administrator in my group, I could be a member in the other Arlington group for the sole purpose of lending out my things.  Each group generally has three administrators and I was coming on as the fourth one.  I was planning on being an administrator in name only.  Well, as soon as I was announced as a fourth admin, one of the other administrators said her life was really busy and she needed to quit.  I don’t think being an administrator will be too big of a deal, there are three of us approving new member requests, dealing with questions that come up and posting encouraging things on the group page.  Since I love lending stuff, my focus is the lending library.  I’ve got several posts pending about the library to invite people to use it and to add to it.

When we finally had time last fall to work on getting firewood split, we learned that a seal on the wood splitter was leaking and could no longer hold hydraulic fluid.  Dode thought we had enough dry wood to make it through the winter, and any wood we split this winter won’t be ready to burn until next year, so getting it repaired wasn’t a priority.  I wanted it fixed because I know that summer will be just as busy this year and we have wood sitting on the ground needing split both here at our house and out at my mom’s.  The repairs on the splitter were beyond something Dode and his dad could do.  Dode took the cylinder needing repaired into a shop and they wanted $250 to replace the seal.  Dode said, “No thank you” and was on his way.  I said, “But if we have to heat with electricity, the bill will be at least that much for one month.”  Dode held his ground and refused to pay the $250 for the repair.  He ended up buying a brand new cylinder off ebay for about the same price as just getting the seal replaced on the old one.  The bonus of buying a new one is we have an entirely new cylinder, not a repaired rusty pitted cylinder that would likely break down again.  In the middle of deciding what to do with the wood splitter, we had another family who was running low on wood ask if they could use the splitter.  That really lit a fire under me.  Because life can never be too easy, the new part has to be modified to work on the splitter.  Dode has it almost ready to go, it just needs some welding and it will be ready to go.  Hopefully that last task will happen this week. 

At the end of last summer, Dode was asked to be in charge of a pioneer reenactment for the youth in our local church area called Trek.  He spent many many hours researching where to go, walking and biking trails in the nearby tree farm, by himself and with both Elizabeth and William.  His responsibilities don’t just include route finding, but all the planning that goes into making the trek happen.  The couple who are in charge of training the adult leaders (youth are organized into families with a ma and pa) have been on 7 treks but some of the adults have never participated in one, as a youth or an adult.  The trainers wanted to have access to a handcart at their training to show the leaders what they’d be working with.  Dode’s grandparents have a handcart that has been sitting in their yard as a lawn ornament since a trek Dode did as a youth almost 30 years ago.  The wooden body of the handcart had been filled with dirt and used as a planter.  After 30 years of Washington weather, there wasn’t much wood left.  When Dode asked his dad if he could borrow it for the training, his dad said he wasn’t sure how much there was left to it.  A week later he called Dode over to look at something on the cart and he’d completely rebuilt the wooden body and it was ready to go. 

Wednesday was the twins 4^th birthday.  We started the day with their well child check ups at the doctor.  They both are growing fine, following their curve somewhere between the 20-25%.  We met my mom at the Children’s Museum in Everett after the doctor visit.  Once again, the twins and Finnley mostly went their separate ways.  At the end of our last visit, my mom told Leah that when we came back for her birthday, she could get a toy from the gift shop.  She’d decided then that she wanted a pink pony she saw on the shelf.  When we got done playing on their birthday, when everyone was complaining they were hungry, we visited the gift shop.  Leah remembered and pointed right to that pink horse, she didn’t even want to look around at what else was available.  Luke picked out some trains.  We had lunch at a teriyaki restaurant a block from the museum and headed home.  The twins fell asleep on the way home so I left them in the car and kept checking on them every few minutes.  I had just enough time to make their birthday cake before we had to leave again.  Well, as time got short, I wasn’t able to check on them as often.  I looked out the window to see Luke just waking up, so I went upstairs to get Elizabeth for twin help.  By the time we made it to the car, they were both awake and hysterical.  Even when they got their feelings under control, every now and then Leah would start howling again, “you left us in the car!”  I picked up Miriam and William from school and we drove over to the chiropractor.  We go once a month and adjustments are free on a birthday so I got to get the twins adjusted for free!  After the chiropractor, we went across the street to see Isaac at the insurance agency he just started working for.  It was my first time meeting his boss.  I’m sure he was glad when we left and the office was nice and peaceful again!

On Thursday, when Elizabeth and I got done at the class we attend at the YMCA, we took the twins swimming for an hour.  I was worried we’d be stuck in the pool forever since the last time we took them almost two hours wasn’t long enough.  This time, we could play in the kiddie area for 30 minutes and then it closed and we had to use the larger pool.  I think because they were submerged, they got cold and after another 30 minutes, they were ready to go home.  I felt like a good mom for taking them to do something that I really don’t enjoy.

On Friday, my mom and I went to an event in town called the Country Charm Walk.  We picked up an empty bracelet from the chamber of commerce and then we walked from business to business, picking up a bead for our bracelet at each place.  It was a nice relaxing day.  We stopped part way through to have lunch together and were gone from home for about two hours.  That night, my mom treated us to tickets to see the play Newsies in Everett.  She saw it a week before and said that in all the plays she’s seen over the years (a season ticket holder at the 5^th Avenue in Seattle for many many years), this play was one of her favorites.  After her experience, she bought four tickets so that I, Elizabeth, Miriam and Jacob could go.  Unfortunately, right before we were going to go, Jacob came down with a stomach bug.  With less than an hour’s notice, Sharon was able to go with us.  The play was really good, the music was excellent and the dancing was amazing. 

On Saturday, we took the kids to the Eagle Festival in town for the first time.  I thought they’d like it since there are many activities for kids like a petting zoo, crafts, chainsaw art, rocks and gemstone displays.  Well, it was a complete bust.  Once we told Leah she couldn’t have kettle corn, that was all we heard about.  Over and over, “I want popcorn!”  The animals were scary, they didn’t want to do crafts, the chainsaws were too noisy, they had no interest in the rocks and gemstones. 

4th week of January

The absolute highlight of my week was our family party on Saturday to celebrate the five January birthdays, Dorrel (1/3), Jacob,(1/5), Anastaya (1/26), Luke and Leah (1/31). Anastaya showed up around 2:00. Jacob got home from work around 4:00 and a few minutes later Isaac and Natalie showed up. My heart was so full to have all my children together under the same roof. I realized that I must be getting old and maybe turning into a grandma type person if that is the highlight of my week! At the end of the night, Elizabeth told me that I seemed really really happy, she was correct!

At dinner, we went around the table sharing some memories of Anastaya. I'm going to record them here.  Elizabeth talked about how gullible Anastaya is. She just doesn't have the sarcasm gene. I once bought a book called, “How to know if your cat is trying to kill you.” Anastaya asked me if the book was true and I said yes. Well, she believed me and realized that our cats were trying to kill us because they hang out on the stairs. William shared memories of tubing behind the boat with Anastaya, singing songs that required them to clap and let go of the tube handles. My mom shared a memory of the first time we went to Ocean Shores with Anastaya for spring break. Anastaya and William had only been in our home for about a week. She jumped into the hotel pool and didn't know how to paddle her arms to move around in the water. She was so determined to swim like the other kids that by the time we left three days later, she was getting herself all around that pool. Jacob: I shared about the time she spoke at her high school graduation ceremony at the Comcast Arena in front of a huge crowd. She sounded assured and confident as she co-conducted the ceremony since she was in senior class office. She'd had bunion surgery just a few days before and was using a knee scooter for the first time. As she was going down the wheelchair ramp after she was done, she picked up a lot of speed and it seemed like she took the 180 degree turn on the ramp on two wheels. The curtains behind her were moving with the wind she was creating. I thought she was just so glad to be finished. It turns out, the breaks on the knee scooter weren't hooked up right. Some people sitting next to us commented that they were sure she was going to crash and the classmates sitting around her commented on the curtains moving. Miriam also shared how fun she made tubing behind the boat. Greg shared that he remembered her learning to play the piano and how hard it was for her to do but how proud of her he is for sticking with it until piano went from a chore to a joy. Isaac shared about what a crazy skier she was, going straight down the hill without taking any turns just to beat him to the bottom, with other skiers diving out of her way as she flew down the mountain. He also shared about how many things they learned at the same time, like learning to drive, and getting their wisdom teeth out at the same time. He remembers how happy he was when they woke up from surgery, wanting to fist bump her, while she was completely grumpy and blamed everything on him.

Dode broke his second tooth in two weeks this week. Neither time was he eating something hard or crunchy, it was just time I guess. Both areas are on a molar where there is a large filling in the middle. One of the corners of two molars just broke off. The dentist told us that the insurance probably won't pay for crowns. The insurance will only pay for two "emergency" evaluations a year.  With this second tooth getting broken, he will be out of evaluations for the year.  Hopefully no more break!  I told Dode apparently he's out of warranty now that he's turned 47.  

I made my exercise goal at the YMCA this week, getting in my 12 sessions.  Each month, the Y does a promotion to inspire people to work out more.  I usually try to participate.  If you complete 12 workouts in January, you get entered to win a 3 month membership.  For me, it's not the prize that's motivating, it's just completing the challenge.  With it being January, everyone is gung ho on their exercise goals and the classes are so full and hard to get into. If you aren't standing outside 15 minutes before class, waiting for the prior class to get out, you risk not getting any equipment when it's time for your class to start. It can be so hard to be a patient mom when it takes me extra long to get from the parking lot to the child watch and then down to the line for class, knowing that with each delay I might miss my spot in class. The kids always want their coats on, zipped up to the top, hats on, then a backpack or a bag of toys they'll just set in a cubby at child watch. There is also a part of sidewalk where they always have to “practice their balance” by walking on it like a balance beam. It takes forever but I dig deep and don't get short tempered with them.

I went visiting teaching on Friday to a friend who is the same age as me. Her kids are either out of the house or in high school. As we were talking, she mentioned that she couldn't imagine being in my situation, parenting four year olds. I thought about that later. I feel like I am in the prime of life right now. While raising little people always has its minor irritations and sacrifices (like getting into a store from the parking lot in a timely manner, pooped underwear from a reluctant potty trainer, or kids swan diving onto my bed at night when I just want to go to sleep), I completely believe that in 10 years, I will look back and say, “Those were the days, we were really living”. It is such an amazing thing to watch little people learn to navigate their world. To see them learn new things you don't even remember teaching them, to get to play and re-read treasured children's books.   We've been reading Pinkalicious and the Pink Drink a lot this week.  It's about a little girl who has a lemonade stand selling pink lemonade and cupcakes.  The twins wanted their own stand so Dode built them one for inside use.

Getting two little people to look at the camera is no joke!  The cupcakes below started out with frosting and sprinkles on top but Luke ate all the tops off!

We try to read the scriptures with the kids each night.  One night this week, as the twins saw we were gathering, they each grabbed a set of scriptures and got ready.  They wanted to "read" too.

On Saturday, Brent asked us to watch his step-son Nathan (11) for the day.  I decided to make it a cousin play day so Seth (10) and Ellie (8) came over to play too.  At one point, they were all outside playing and I told Dode it sounded like an elementary school recess out there, perfection!

This week I achieved a milestone of sorts.  The twins had their 4 year old evaluation at WIC.  Children are eligible for WIC until they turn 5 so this will be their last year on the program.  I had my first WIC evaluation when I was pregnant with Jacob, almost 26 years ago.  There have been so many changes in the program over the years.  I used to have to drive to Everett every month to pick up checks.  I had to sign each one individually and I had to let them know ahead of time what store I would be using them at.  Now, checks can be given for three months at a time, I only sign a stub for each month (one signature instead of four), they used at any participating store,  and WIC has an office in Arlington.  The foods have also changed over the years, with less juice offered and the addition of being able to get fresh fruits and vegetables.  You can also now get whole wheat bread.  They just started offering yogurt in place of some of the milk.  Last year the cereal we'd been choosing with our WIC checks, Life, was no longer eligible.  After 25 years?!  We had to switch to Chex.  When I talked to Dode during our daily lunch break phone call, I told him about my milestone.  He told me it made him feel like a pretty lousy provider.  He makes a decent wage but when you divide it up among the number of people in our family, that makes us low income according to the federal government.

3rd week of January

Monday was Martin Luther King Jr day so the kids and Dode were home. We asked the kids what they wanted to do as a family activity and they chose swimming. I looked at the Lynwood pool and the Snohomish pool which both have water slides and a play area for the little ones. Both places only had swimming available during nap time. We decided to go the YMCA.  There are no waterslides but there is a nice play area for the twins and a lazy river for the bigger kids. We swam for almost 2 hours, which I thought was plenty of time but the kids thought was too short.  When I got our membership last year, I bought the cheaper family package that only included one adult membership because I knew Dode wouldn't be working out.  He can come as our guest three times in a calendar year.  I figured that would give us three family swimming trips.  He came once last year with us, that's how much we dread and put off taking the family swimming.  It's such a hassle to get dressed and undressed, it's always a bit cold, it's pretty boring for us old folks.  When I joined the Y, I'd told myself I'd take the kids swimming once a month.  We went swimming in January, February and March.  In April we went to Ocean Shores during spring break so I decided that counted as our monthly swimming and with that I broke the cycle and I never took the twins swimming again!  Twice a week when we visit the Y for my workouts, we walk right next to the pool with it's big windows and I told myself that if I took them once, they'd want to swim every time.  It was pretty easy to talk myself out of it.  Well, it's a new year with new goals.  We went swimming on MLK day and I already promised the twins we'd go swimming the day after their birthday.  Twice in January!

On Wednesday, we met my mom at the Everett Children's Museum in the morning. Thankfully Elizabeth came because my mom had Finnley and I had the twins and they had very different interests. Although they were all at the museum at the same time, they spent most of their time playing in different areas. For Luke, his favorite area was the trains, both an extensive Thomas the Tank Engine set and a model electric train. Leah loved playing inside the kid sized airplane. Finnley enjoyed playing with the air filled tubes that will lift a ball up into a maze of tubes in the ceiling before dropping them back down to play with again.  They all spent some part of their time in the water play area.  After playing, we had a delicious teriyaki lunch.

In the fall I sent a DNA sample off to Ancestry.com which allows you to find relatives through DNA. Well, a few weeks ago, I received a message from my dad's first cousin that neither one of us have ever met. She's 76 years old and lives about an hour south of the Canadian border in New York State.  When we were emailing back to forth, it was in the 50's here and raining while it was minus 32 where she lived with 8" of snow on the ground.  I have been thrilled with the results of my DNA test verifying on several sides of my family that I have built an accurate family tree. My dad's cousin wasn't able to give me any additional information about their shared grandparents who immigrated from Czechoslovakia but she is sending me some photos of them. I'm so excited!  Another exciting thing she shared is that her mother lived to 102 and her uncle into his 90's.  My grandfather on my dad's side died in his early 60's, I thought I was short lived genes.  Maybe there's hope!

I usually hand toys on when the older kids had outgrown them (we thought we were done with kids) but there are three things I've saved over the years, the play kitchen, Thomas the Tank Engine set and the dollhouse equipment.  We first got the dollhouse when Elizabeth was little, and we've added on to it with both Miriam and Leah.  The big dollhouse is still stored out in the barn (you'll see Luke's fire station "dollhouse" in the photo above) but I brought in a small tub of the furniture as well as a mom, dad, sister and three babies this week and the twins have been really enjoying setting up little scenarios and acting out parts of life. Their favorite thing to do is make the dolls and babies use the toilet.

Toileting is a big part of their life.  Leah is fully potty trained and runs to the toilet multiple times a day.  Luke is a more reluctant potty trainer.  If I have him in underwear or a swimming diaper, he will pee in the toilet on his own volition 80% of the time.  If he is in a diaper or pull up, he never decides to use the toilet.  As to pooping, we have a zero success rate.  I've tried everything with him.  He uses a stool softener every day to keep things moving.  He gets a lollipop if he uses the toilet but that didn't seem to be motivating him to use the toilet for #2.  I bought matchbox cars for him to receive if he poops in the toilet.  He knows what they're for and he knows he can't have them until he poops.  He will sometimes take them out of the cupboard and look at them in their package but he still won't poop in the toilet. 

On the health front: Dode broke a tooth this week.  He was just sitting at dinner eating ham tetrazini when he pulled a piece of his tooth out of his mouth.  When he'd felt it in his mouth, he first thought it was a piece of gristle, nope, it was a piece of him!  He doesn't have any pain, just a jagged tooth.

Luke had his yearly IEP meeting for speech this week.  After attending preschool twice a week with 20 minutes of speech therapy a week, he hasn't made much progress.  The speech teacher wants him to receive speech services twice a week, once for 20 minutes with another student, the other for 30 minutes of one on one time.  She also wants me to make a photo book with pictures of his family and things that are important to him that he can keep in his backpack.  When he's trying to talk with his teachers, if they don't understand what he's trying to tell them, he can use a photo to help.

On Saturday, Miriam and Dode had a Miriam/dad day.  It was really hard to come up with something for them to do in the winter.  While it seems on the surface that Miriam is up for anything, when you think through the things you could do, a lot of them don't seem practical.  They ended up going to the Museum of Flight in Seattle.  The kids have free memberships through an educational program that allows them to bring a parent with them for free.  Although we've had the free memberships for several years, this is the first time we've taken advantage of them.  We've taken little people to the museum so many times and it's really not a relaxing time.  We've kind of given up on it!  Dode was worried that Miriam would spend a few minutes at the museum, flying through the museum, and be bored.  They spent hours there and she really seemed to enjoy it.  After the museum, they went out to pizza before coming home.  Miriam is in a stage of life, middle school angst, where she just can't seem to fill her reservoir of meaningful parent interaction.  Each night when we head to bed, she wants to lay in bed with us and cuddle and talk.  Unfortunately for her, the twins are always there too, interrupting her, bumping into her as they climb around the bed, taking all the fun out of it for her.  We need to be more proactive about getting her some parent time.

2nd week of January

The second week of January felt really low key. Dode didn't have any church responsibilities at all! The kids didn't have youth night at church either. To take advantage of that open youth night, we had Sharon and Lynn and great grandma over for dinner. After dinner we put Lynn to work recording the narration for the laser maze Dode is working on for the church talent show.

I think this will be the third year of the talent show. The talent show has both performing talents and display talents.  The first year, we did a funny family skit about a pretend enlarging machine and Dode built a floor piano that Anastaya and a friend performed on. Last year, we brought the floor piano as a display talent and set it out for the kids to play on, as well as our secret combination box where when they solve the combination, they can take a token they can use to get candy from our candy machine. This year, Dode decided he wanted to try his hand at building a laser maze. I teased about it on the ward Facebook page as a display talent with ping pong balls, toilet paper tubes and Bionicle pieces. So far, he's experimented with lasers and found that he needs to use green lasers since they're more visible than red lasers. He's repurposed a tap light to be the button the kids will push at the end to turn off the lasers. He's also built a count down clock. The kids will have 40 seconds to make it through the maze. He wanted a quick narration to set the stage for the kids. Lynn has a very deep voice that worked perfectly. Great Grandma Dickson was in the room when he was recording and she kept giggling and laughing at him. It was so sweet!

Wednesday was early release for the Arlington School District. I try to do something fun with the kids each early release but this year is a bit of a challenge because there is an early release day each month! When I asked the kids what they wanted to do, Miriam really wanted to go get frozen yogurt. That was an easy activity! While the twins and Finnley were sleeping, we headed over to frozen yogurt. It was waffle Wednesday which meant you could get a waffle bowl for free. Score!

Thursday after dinner, Miriam and I had some one on one time. We visited the four little free libraries in Arlington. A little free library is a small display that people put in their front yard with books in it. The idea is you can grab a book and leave one behind. We visited four libraries and Miriam never found any books she wanted. She enjoyed the time with just mom so she could vent about all the stresses of middle school life.

I made it to the YMCA four times this week so I'm half way to the goal of 12 visits in January. I did TRX on Monday, strength training on Tuesday and Friday and yoga on Thursday. They have free child care at the Y that is divided into “child watch” and “adventure zone”. You have to be 3 and potty trained to go to the adventure zone. Leah is potty trained but Luke and Finnley aren't. Since it was just Leah going with me on Thursday and Friday, she got to go to the adventure zone. She thought she was a pretty big girl! Maybe it will encourage Luke to start using the toilet?

This weekend is a produce weekend. I can't believe I've been doing produce for over 8 years! Every other Saturday, Dode and I get up in the middle of the night to meet the semi truck at the end of the driveway and transfer about a ton of produce from a pallet to our trailer. Semis won't fit up our driveway so this is how we have to do it. For years, they've told me that they don't send the smaller trucks that would fit up our driveway as far north as we are. Well, every time I'm driving around on a Friday afternoon and see one of the smaller trucks in my area, I'm just a little bit peeved. I've asked for our delivery time and truck to be changed but the company said that's not an option.

1/8/18- trying to get back into the swing of blogging

After years of keeping a blog, the bomb that is the twins went off in my life. The trauma of their pregnancy, the exhaustion of the first year, the business of keeping up with them combined together to keep me from chronicling their life. So, it's as if the last four years didn't happen. In an effort to get back to it, and with the strong encouragement of my husband, I'm once again trying to get into the habit of journaling our family adventures.

The first week of January is always a busy week for us. We started off on New Year's Day with our monthly community family night.   For the last two years, we've been hauling out our donut robot, cotton candy machine and soft serve ice cream machine and using local community Facebook groups to invite anyone who wants to come to come enjoy free treats.  I think we had one of the smallest crowds we've had in two years! Maybe about 40 people. With school starting again the next day and two college football games that night, I think people decided to stay home. What made Dode happy was that we got a few families from the community. He's worried as he's seen a drop off in the number of non Mormons attending the event. He's concerned that when the group is 90% LDS, community members feel odd because everyone else seems to know each other.

We had two birthdays to celebrate this week. Dode turned 47 and Jacob turned 25.   We "celebrated" Dode's birthday by putting four new tires on his truck.  He'd come home from work a few days before his birthday and noticed that his tires had cracked to the point that they weren't holding air anymore.  His "gift" was a 15 horsepower outboard motor that I received off of a Buy Nothing group I'm a part of on Facebook.  Now when we go out on the Puget Sound, we won't need to borrow an outboard.  We have an inboard motor but take a second motor along in case we break down out there.

I can't wrap my mind around the fact that Jacob is ¼ of a century old now! How did the years go by so fast? I also can't fathom that at my age, my mom was a grandma a few times over.  Here I am, raising toddlers, not feeling in any way ready to transition to the grandma stage! Each time the kids have a birthday, I reflect back on the day they were born. My mom was a great labor coach. I had back labor and she spent so much time rubbing my back, I had bruises the next day. Jacob's was a difficult birth. His heart rate was dangerously low and his birth was assisted with a vacuum, then forceps and an episiotomy that took 45 minutes to repair. As he was born, the doctor held him up for me to see and at that moment his cord detached from the placenta. I came that close to loosing him!

When I asked Jacob what he wanted for his birthday treat, he told me he just wanted something he'd never had before. That was a struggle for me.  I wondered what there would be that I hadn't made that was worth making.  I thumbed through my cookbooks and found a recipe for figgy pudding. None of us have ever had that before so it seemed like something worth trying. It's delicious!  Jacob and Elizabeth celebrated his birthday by going to the movie.  After the movie, his car was acting up so he had to call Dode to come down and help him.  It turned out that when he'd put his wheel on, he'd put the lug nuts on backwards so the tire was wobbling.  As fate would have it, he'd cleaned his trunk completely out before going to the movie and shampooed the carpet in the trunk, so his lug wrench was back at the house, 20 minutes away.  They ended up leaving the car there and driving home to get the wrench and headed back to fix the wheel.

With school starting up again, I was able to get back to the YMCA for the strength training class I usually go to twice a week. After a two week absence, my legs are so sore! The Y does a monthly motivational challenge and for January it's to come in 12 times.   Getting there 8 times a week is easy and most months I can squeeze in about 9-10 times by going a third time in a week once or twice.  Getting in 12 workouts means I have to go three times a week each week of January.  That will be a challenge but I'm going for it.  

For the last 18 months, I've been watching my two year old niece Finnley three to four times a week. This week she started attending preschool three days a week.  My mom and I will share her the remaining two days of the week.  Mom will get her one week and I will get her the next. Although she was here two days this week, Leah is really missing her best friend.  They have such a close friendship.  All day long I hear, "Come on Finney, let's......" and they head off on their next adventure.

Luke has a severe language delay.  His diagnosis is apraxia which is where the connection between the brain and the mouth has problems.  Luke understands everything we say to him but a lot of what comes out of his mouth is gibberish.  Because of Luke's language delays, he attends a developmental preschool at the elementary school two days a week for 2 ½ hours . Every other Friday, I attend speech therapy with him so that I can know what they're working on and support their work at home.  Leah tags along, always hoping that the speech teacher will be sick and she'll be able to participate in the 30 minutes of free play that happens at the end of the preschool day.  Luke's speech teacher has been employed by the district for a long time. Isaac, Elizabeth and Miriam have all worked with her. Not only that, but when we were both going to college at Western Washington University, I went to speech therapy with the student therapists and she was assigned to me! Small world. When Miriam was graduating from speech, she said, “I guess I'm done working with Dicksons”. I said, “Well, I had twins a few months ago and I bet with our track record that at least one of them will need speech.” “YOU had twins?! Yourself?! You gave birth to them, you didn't adopt?!” I think she was dumbfounded because we're both the same age and I bet she couldn't imagine having a baby at her stage of life. Well, my prediction came true!  But, I am certain Luke will be the last Dickson she works with for speech. (At least the last one genetically related to us).

One noteworthy thing happened this week.  We have been heating our homes with wood for 20 years.  This year is the first year where the firewood didn't make it through the winter.  The wood splitter broke in the fall and when I saw the amount of wood we had stored, I was pretty worried.  Dode assured me that we had just enough for the year.  As the months of burning wood went by, each time I'd go out and get firewood, I'd worry about how much was there.  Dode thought we were fine.  Well, we did have enough to make it through the year, if you're talking calendar year and not winter season.  We are officially out of firewood.  Thankfully, Lynn said we could have some of his dry wood and Dode is newly motivated to fix the wood splitter.  

Porch Swing

I wanted to share Dode's plans for the wonderful porch swing he built me (with help from the children) several years ago as a Mother's Day gift. This bench is the center point of so many activities we've had here at the house as well as my favorite place to sit while engaging in the age old game of, "Mom, watch this". It's a very heavy duty swing that can safely hold a large group of people. We've had several people ask us about the plans for the swing so Dode finally drew some up.  Now, you can be as cool as us!

link to the plans

building the swing back in 2005

Elizabeth "helping"

 Jacob thrilled to help

The swing, newly hung, protected while the house gets painted

A place for family photos

A place for family reunion talking

A place for birthday party photos

Two of Dode's swings, freshly hung at Randy's house

Birth Day for the Twins

Part 2:  Delivery Day
If you missed Part 1: The events leading up to delivery, you can click here.

A typical pregnancy is 40 weeks long.  Because of complications I was having, the doctors decided it would be safest for my health to deliver the babies early.  They were 34 weeks 2 days gestation when they were delivered on January 31st.  We'd had a delivery scare on New Year's Eve.  Apparently the babies were meant to be New Year's babies because they made their appearance on Chinese New Year!

In my room and ready to go Friday morning.  I have a large guage IV in each arm.  They will start another on in the pre-op area.  I have my lovely compression socks on.  

The closer I got to our delivery date, the more anxious I became. I worried that I would have a big bleed and need to deliver early. I worried about how the babies would fare. I worried about what would happen to me in the surgery. It was very difficult emotionally to get through those days.

Dode's ready too, 6:00 am

Do I look like an excited mother ready to meet her babies?  Nope!  At this point, I would have paid a lot of money to stay pregnant a few more weeks.

heading down and feeling very nervous

We had the large pre-op area all to ourselves.

My mom and Greg were there from the beginning.

Sharon and Lynn were there as well but we failed to get a photo.  It's so comforting to have family around when you're going through something scary.

In this photo, the doctor is telling me what a good job I did staying pregnant.  At this point, I was crying because I felt so badly that the babies had to come early.

some of the crowd in the operating room

Our delivery was a well orchestrated procedure. When Dode joined me in the OR after my spinal anesthesia was in place, he counted 25 people in the room. There were perinatologists, gynecological oncologists, urologists, anesthesiaologists, neonatologists and nurses. Most of those specialty doctors also had a fellow and a resident with them.  Because the room was so full, there were six more doctors and nurses from the NICU waiting for the babies in the operating room next door.

My doctor, Dr. Stephensen-Famy is in the middle.  There are residents flanking her on either side, Dr. Lai and Dr. Makhija.

The babies made their appearance at 8:21 and 8:22 am. We'd had an ultrasound the day before and it looked like our little girl would be the first one to make her appearance. The doctor sounded quite surprised when the first little baby she pulled out was our boy. He must have stuck his feet up at just the right time. For the rest of their lives, he can brag that he is older. Luke was born at 8:21 am. He weighed 4 pounds, 4 ounces and was 17 inches long. Leah was born at 8:22 am. She was 3 pounds, 13 ounces and was 16 inches long.

I never got to see the babies in the delivery room. As soon as each was born, they were whisked out of the operating room we were in and brought next door to be evaluated by the NICU team. It quickly became evident that the placenta would not detach and they began the hysterectomy. I was still awake at this point and having a lot of problem with nausea. They kept dosing me with medication but it wasn't helping. They stuck an alcohol towelette under my nose and that provided some relief from the nausea. At this point, having not even seen the babies and not feeling very well, I would have been thrilled if they put me to sleep. They kept me awake and proceeded with the surgery.

As the surgery progressed, I began to feel uncomfortable as they removed my uterus. Discomfort progressed to pain. When you go to the dentist and start saying, "Ouch," he backs off, gives you more Novocain and waits for it to start working before proceeding.  When you're having life saving surgery and start saying, "Ouch", do you think they stop and wait for your pain to go away?  Nope!  I could feel the incredible pain of them cutting away inside me. At the same time, there was intense pain in the IVs in both arms. I learned later that they were shoving blood in one arm and medicine in the other as they tried to get my blood pressure up. I felt like pain was assaulting me from all sides and started to get a bit hysterical. Dode finally asked if it was too late to give me a general anesthetic. They said, “No it's not”. He asked them to put me to sleep and I was so grateful when they told me I'd be drifting off.  I spent the next week thanking Dode regularly for being my rescuer from that pain.

When the doctor talked with me the next day, she told me that my surgery went as perfectly as it could.  I ended up loosing 3 liters of blood during the surgery (the average human has five liters).  Because they knew ahead of time, they were ready to take my uterus as soon as it became apparent that the placenta was not detaching.  When this kind of problem is not discovered until the delivery, the consequences are much more severe.  It's a problem my body has toyed with before.

With my first two babies, pieces of the placenta were retained which led to two uterine infections and with Isaac I had to have a D&C.  I had a miscarriage before Isaac at 17 weeks and needed two D&Cs to get all the placenta off.  With that pregnancy I also had a hemorrhage a few weeks after the second D&C, right in the middle of teaching a class of fourth graders while student teaching.  When Elizabeth was born, the doctor spent 45 minutes trying to detach the placenta.    I can vividly remember sweat running down his brow as he worked (and likely worried) to get everything delivered.  I ended up with another infection with her. With Miriam, even though I had a C-Section and everything was wide open, the doctor still had a tough time getting the placenta off.  She was the first baby I had that I didn't get an infection afterwards.  With this, my final pregnancy, the placenta was no longer playing around, it was well and truly attached.

The following day they had a difficult time keeping my pain under control.  I'd thought I'd feel a lot of pain at the incision site that runs from my belly button down to my pubic bone.  Instead, the pain I felt was deep inside.  Dode mentioned to a nurse that I was feeling pain in the same place I felt it when the epidural failed.  Apparently that is not what you want to say.  It didn't take long for one of the anesthesiologists to come in and explain to me that the epidural did NOT fail, it merely failed to keep up with my pain.  Because my blood pressure was so low, they couldn't give me more medicine without making it fall even more but the epidural was working just fine.  To Dode and I, the purpose of an epidural is to provide pain relief.  Any problem with that is a failure in our book.  I guess to an anesthesiologist a failure is something else!

First photo of Leah.  Dode left my operating room to go next door and see the babies.

First photo of Luke.

Everyone wants a bar code on their head!

In the recovery room, feeling very sick.

I woke up hours later in the recovery room. I had to stay there longer than planned because my blood pressure was so low. The family had been told I'd be in the recovery room about 1 ½ hours and would then be heading back to my room. Dode didn't want to miss me so he stayed in my room, expecting me at any time. After hours went by, he chased down a nurse who told him I was still in the recovery room.  As I slowly came back to awareness, I got to listen to the nurse and the anesthesiologist discuss why my blood pressure was so low.  The nurse thought the anesthesiologist had given me too much medication during the operation (from the operating room notes), the anesthesiologist said it was because of all the blood loss.  Irregardless of the reason, I spent quite a few hours a very sick girl.  I've heard leaders in our church teach that women go to the valley of the shadow of death to bring forth children.  I always thought that was just poetic words until this time.  I truly spent some time in that shadowy valley.

Leah soon after arriving in the NICU

Luke's first photo in the NICU

Once I was stable, about six hours after the surgery, I was brought back to my hospital room. It was a few more hours before my health was such that I could be brought over to the NICU and meet my babies for the first time.  If I had been myself, the long delay would have driven me crazy.  Because I was still so sick following the surgery, the hours went by quickly.

Waiting to hold Leah for the first time.

sweet reward, with Leah

In order to get from my room to the NICU  more easily, I stayed on the uncomfortable surgery gurney until late the next day.  Even with the epidural still in place, I had to push down on the pillow covering my abdomen as we went through the halls to decrease the pain.

getting introduced to Luke

savoring every moment with Luke

My first post-op complication.  This is the site where the IV gave me blood transfusions.  They were pushing the blood in so fast that the fluid infiltrated into the tissue of my hand.  You can see it hanging down underneath.  There is an actual indentation in the middle of my hand where a piece of cotton was taped down when the IV was removed.  It was so sore!  I wish that would have been the only complication of my surgery.  Part 3 will address those fun parts of my recovery.

If I had it to live over, I would have been more adamant about not wanting to be awake for the hysterectomy.  Because I never even got to see the babies, I wish they would have given me a medication during surgery that makes you forget the whole thing.  Having that memory of the pain when the epidural failed to keep up with my pain is not a comfortable memory.  Dode says he feels guilty he didn't ask them to put me out sooner.  He had no idea he had that kind of power.  I think they were just so busy with trying to keep me alive that they forgot they had the option to put me out.  You know how when you are in the hospital and they ask you to rate your pain on a scale of 1-10?  I used to think, "Being burned alive is a 10" and would relate my pain to that standard.  I now have a new reference point for a "10", having surgery where the epidural fails to keep up with your pain.  I hope I don't have to have another surgery where I am awake because I think I'd be pretty anxious about another "problem" with the epidural.

Seven Week hospital stay

Part 1: 7 week hospital stay

It's been eight weeks since my delivery and I finally feel up to writing about the experience. Some women with pregnancy complications like mine faithfully chronicled their pregnancy and feelings each week. I am not one of those women. To have written about it while it was happening would have made it too real. The ironic thing is that I promised Dode a “perfect” pregnancy. A pregnancy with no complications for me or the baby. I had myself convinced that it was not only possible but probable. Dode was never convinced. It turns out, he was correct.

I had a pregnancy that beat the odds. From my google research, only about 1/3 of the women my age are able to successfully conceive a child. In order to get twins, my odds were 1 in 30. 1 in 200 pregnancies are diagnosed with a placenta previa, less than 1/2%. Of those, 90% of the previas resolve before delivery, leaving 10% that don't, 0.05% of all pregnancies. Add one more complication, placenta accreta, occurring in 0.3% of pregnant women who have had one prior c-section. All those things in one pregnancy makes for a very rare pregnancy, and very scary pregnancy.

We've known since the beginning that we were experiencing a rare event. We felt very lucky to have gotten pregnant knowing the odds where not in our favor. At our 12 week ultrasound we found out we were having twins. At my age that instantly put us at a high risk pregnancy. It wasn't long before the pregnancy became even more complicated. At 17 weeks I was diagnosed with a complete previa. A previa is when the placenta implants with part of it covering the cervix. In my case, it completely covered the cervix and went up the front and back of the uterus. Previas complicate pregnancies because they can cause spontaneous bleeding. It is impossible to predict when the bleeds will occur or how much blood will be lost. The bleeding happens as the placenta pulls away from the cervix and is the mother's blood. If the bleeding is excessive, the baby  needs to be delivered to save the mother's life.

At 20 weeks I was diagnosed with placenta accreta. A placenta accreta is a rare complication where the placenta attaches too deeply to the uterus. It happens most often to mothers who have had a previous Cesarean delivery where the placenta attaches over the scar.  It generally happens only when there have been multiple previous c-sections.  Our little boy's placenta chose just that location. With this condition, everything is fine until the delivery. The placenta attaches so deeply that it is impossible for the placenta to detach at the delivery. Massive blood loss occurs when this happens. There are three classes of accreta: accreta, increta and percreta. They are based on how far the placenta has invaded. Accreta is into the uterus lining. Increta is into the uterus muscle. Percreta is through the uterus and into the abdominal cavity. From ultrasound scans, it looked like I had an increta or percreta. The treatment for all classes of accreta is a planned Cesarean delivery with a hysterectomy immediately following. Even with everything happening in a planned and orderly way, life threatening blood loss can occur.

As the information continued to come in, I was feeling increasingly burdened with the possible complications ahead. I started out with a family doctor who delivered babies.  When he learned I was having twins, he transferred my care to an OB.  At 24 weeks, my regular OB transferred my care to the University of Washington where their high risk perinatologist could manage my condition. We were able to visit with the perinatologist one time where she shared the typical plan for someone with previa and accreta but told us that by adding twins,we were really “off the map”, no one knew what to expect in the journey or final outcome. I was scheduled to come back in three weeks. Apparently my body didn't want to wait that long. I started getting a lot of contractions from just doing the work of daily life. I cut my activity level way down and spent most of my time on the couch. Even that wasn't enough to calm the contractions. At one point, I asked Dode for a timer so I could see how far apart they were. The worrisome part of contractions was that they made it likely that I would have a bleed because the placenta would be pulled during the contractions.

Around 5 pm on Sunday December 15, I got off the couch to go the the bathroom and felt fluid coming out of me. Once in the bathroom, it was obvious that I was bleeding. We'd been told that if bleeding occurred, we were to call 911. I lay down on the wet bathroom floor (Miriam had just finished showering and there were cold puddles of water everywhere) and called out for Dode. It felt like it was just minutes before the ambulance showed up to take me away. As I lay on the bathroom floor, I knew that these were my last minutes at home for some time. I wanted to see my children and get hugs before I left but I didn't think a pants-less bleeding mom on the floor was the last sight I wanted them to remember for a while!

We live too far from the University of Washington for the ambulance to drive me all the way there so the Arlington Fire Department ambulance took me as far as Providence Hospital in Everett where I would be evaluated and if stable, would be transferred to another ambulance service and taken to the University of Washington in Seattle. The one thing I was hoping to avoid had happened, my children saw me hauled off in am ambulance. It took William a few months before he started drawing any other pictures than me in an ambulance, two babies in a tummy that has a pool of blood coming from it. I got stuck in Everett for a few hours because the University of Washington had room for me but not for 26 week gestation twins.

It was a nerve wracking time. I knew that the safest place for me to delivery was the UW. If there was no room at the UW, we'd be dealing with a much more risky surgery in Everett with doctors who were not as experienced dealing with my complications. The doctors in Everett also weren't too excited to have me on their floor.  They knew my complications were risky and they didn't have the ideal set up for me.  It was a huge weight off our shoulders when the UW called Providence to let them know they'd made room in their NICU for our babies if they had to be delivered that day.  The anesthesiologist walked by as I was being wheeled out and said, "That's the best thing I've seen all day!"

When we got to the UW it was around 9:00 Sunday night. They began evaluating me and plans were put in place to secure an operating room if needed. I was visited by many different doctors and the anesthesiologist. To say it was stressful is an understatement. I was at 26 weeks. The babies could survive at that age, but it would be complicated and the babies surviving would questionable. I was admitted to the labor and delivery part of the unit because they weren't sure how stable I'd be. After a few days, I was transferred to antepartum, where I would remain until I delivered the babies. Some moms who have their first bleed with a previa are allowed to go home after one week of no new bleeding. In my case, with the placenta accreta, it was too dangerous to allow me to go home. The goal of the doctors was to get to 35 weeks.

Things were pretty quiet at the hospital and I slowly got used to a new routine. People would ask me if I was lonely, but in reality, I felt like there was always someone coming into my room. On a typical day I would see: the nurse for hourly check ins, housekeeping, doctors 1-2 times, the food delivery people three to five times, the nurse assistant who checks vitals every 4-8 hours depending on how I'm doing and gets ice water for patients. Add in social workers, dietitians, physical therapists, regular blood draws, the nurse manager, spiritual care, psychologists, doctors from different specialties (Obstetrics, Gynecological Oncology, Urology, Neonatolists, Anesthesiologist), volunteers delivering mail and emails from friends. Add in some visits from friends and family. My door was opening all the time!

The hospital stay obviously wasn't just difficult for me. Dode had to deal with being a single dad with a wife stuck in the hospital over an hour away from home. It was rare that we had any time alone, if he came to the hospital he almost always had the kids with him. Even when we'd talk on the phone late at night, he'd be interrupted by children coming into the room and needing things. It's difficult to be “on” 24 hours a day! The children's school work definitely suffered while I was in the hospital. I asked little 8 year old Miriam why her reading grade was so low and she told me, “It's pretty hard to concentrate on reading when your mom is in the hospital”. Those sentiments were shared by all the children. Isaac took advantage of my hospital stay to exercise some independence and went from attending an alternative high school for home schoolers to the traditional high school. Elizabeth saw his success and decided she'd do the same, only she wanted to withdraw herself from attending school part time and become fully home schooled. We explained to her that it wasn't the best time for that.

My hospital stay coincided with the busiest part of the year for our family. Christmas plus four birthdays. We celebrated them all in the hospital. The staff told us to make ourselves at home. I'm not sure that they had piano keyboards, violins and extended family celebrations in mind when they told us that! Dode brought our full sized electric piano in for Anastaya to play on when they visited. He found that it fit perfectly in a snowboard bag. The piano ended up making several trips from home to the hospital. The nurses complimented us quite a few times on how we were coping and how well behaved the children were.

12/26/13

Two weeks after being admitted, on New Year's Eve, I woke up in the early morning hours bleeding heavily.  Instantly my room went from a dark quiet room with one occupant to a room with bright lights and many nurses. They started multiple IVs (with extra pokes because its tough to start an IV on me), summoned doctors, prepped me for surgery and transferred me to the labor and delivery side of the unit and the doctors began evaluating if I'd need to be delivered. I was only 29 weeks along and was much more worried about the health of the babies than my own. I eventually stopped bleeding and they estimated I'd lost about 400cc (about 1.7 cups of blood).

Toward the evening I thought we had made it and a delivery was unlikely when I started having regular contractions 5 minutes apart. They told me that blood is irritating to the uterus and that was causing the contractions. If the contractions did not stop, I would have to be delivered. They offered to deliver one baby in 2013 and one in 2014 if that would sway me to consider delivery. I was adamant that the babies were too small and I would do anything to remain pregnant. I was on a medication called magnesium sulfate. In the “dark ages” when I had pre-term labor with Isaac, they used magnesium to stop contractions. They no longer use it for that, they give a tiny dose that has been shown to be a neural protection for the baby. I asked if they could up my dose to get rid of the contractions and although they told me it was voodoo science, they were willing to try. I spent three days in labor and delivery on mag to give my uterus time to calm down and to see what my body would do. When things stayed calm, I was allowed to go back to antepartum and ended up in the same room I'd left three days earlier.

The New Year's Eve bleed ended up being the most serious bleed of my pregnancy. I eventually lost count of how many times I bled. In the beginning, I would call Dode and he would drive down to the hospital in case we needed to deliver. Once that had happened a handful of times, I was able to gauge how severe the bleeding was pretty quickly and would send him an email when it began and when it was over. We had one more close call where I had a heavy bleed but we were able to make it to the goal, adjusted from 35 weeks to 34 weeks because of all the bleeding. Almost all my bleeds happened between 3:00 am and 6:00 am when I was on my way back to bed from the bathroom. It got to where I had to psyche myself up to get out of bed and go to the bathroom during those morning hours. At one point towards the end, I was having small bleeds twice a day.

Thankfully with all the bleeds I had, I only bled twice when the children were here. It's one thing for Dode to tell the kids in the morning, “Mom had another bleed last night but she's fine”. It's another thing when I call through the bathroom door, “Dode call the nurse, I'm bleeding” and he has to quickly hustle the kids down to the waiting room. It was classic the first time it happened. He was trying to round up children, nurses were rushing in to work on me and Anastaya resisted and barked, “I have two paragraphs of homework to finish!”  The nurse backed up Dode, “Children, you need to go NOW”, and she flounced out of the room in a huff. Someday I'm going to tease her about it.

1/05/14

1/15/14

1/22/14

1/30/14

We did several things to try to make the hospital less scary for the children when they visited. My mom purchased decorations and filled my room with colorful streamers, pom pom balls and butterflies. We brought in fun snacks (jello was the big winner) and stocked my refrigerator and drawers with them. This became a problem when all William wanted to do the entire time he was there was eat junk food. We had art supplies and puzzles to do. My mom made paper butterflies with a special punch, one for every day I'd be in the hospital if we made it to the goal date. She hung them all on a ribbon spanning across my window. Each day with the children would come visit, they'd move a butterfly from one side of the ribbon to the other.  It was a butterfly abacus! My mom let us keep her extra ipads at the hospital. When the children would come visit, there were three ipads to keep them entertained. Dode would also take Miriam and William exploring the hospital. It was a huge complex with many buildings all connected together. They loved finding new staircases to climb and new areas to see.

view from my bed

Time really does stand still in the hospital, at least in my room. The clocks on the wall were hard wired into the hospital. Each hour, the clock gets some kind of signal from the master clock where it synchronizes. I heard a hum while it is being adjusted. Sometimes it's too slow and the seconds hands goes a bit fast for a while. Other times, the clock is too fast and the second hand literally freezes in place.

view from my bed, looking a bit to the right

The kids signed and drew on this piece of poster board to cheer me up.

I love Miriam's messy hair in the photo.  She sported this look a lot.

ceiling decorations

cards from my primary class and Miriam's school class. My butterfly abacus is under the cards.  Do you see the view out the window?  Just more hospital buildings in all directions.

I don't know if I'm unusual, but I get a lot of pleasure from looking out the window. At home, we are fortunate to see trees from all four sides of the house. Here at the hospital, my only view was of other wings of the hospital. There was not a tree, bush, patch of grass, puff of wind or animal to be seen. After being here 5 weeks, a seagull flew by my window and it was such a joy to see that I cried!

Close up of the butterflies.  The long row of butterflies is the half way mark.

I don't watch TV so we put our family photo in front of it.

My family was amazing at visiting me. Dode only missed four days in the seven weeks. Between Dode and my mom, I only spent two complete days with no visitors. We were fortunate that once I'd been in the hospital for a week, winter break began. Dode had a long furlough at work and was able to be home with the children or bring them to see me.

I always craved their visits even though my room could be chaos. Put 8 people in a hospital room that only provides seating for 3-4 visitors, add in that 2 of those visitors are young children and the rest are adult sized and you can imagine that we were tripping over each other. The best times of their visits when we just engaged in normal family life. Some people would be reading, some doing homework, watching a show, playing the piano, taking a nap. It felt normal and wonderful. We had to have rules for who could be in the bed with mom and for how long. There were times when there were 5 people on the bed: one on either side of me and two at the bottom draped across our legs.

Isaac found a spot on the floor between the bed and the couch.

If someone had asked me what a person could get done during a seven week hospital stay, I would have told you, A LOT! I found the reality to be quite different. Although I spent hours alone each day in my hospital room, I was so anxious about being able to stay pregnant that I was unable to concentrate on books. I would spend hours just staring off into space. I played soft music and spent most of my productive time making Christmas stockings for the twins. I learned to knit and made some wash cloths. I used Sudoku puzzles to determine how stressed I was. If it was a hard day, I'd find myself making lots of silly mistakes. I enjoyed every kick and movement from the babies and spent a lot of time trying to think positive thoughts.

The hospital did things to try to make our hospital stay easier. There was a weekly art group that patients could attend. In my seven weeks there, I got to go twice. It was always held on Thursdays and I had a lot of bleeds on Thursdays for some reason. There was also a support group for the moms on antepartum. They had spiritual care staff who would come and talk with patients. At first I was reluctant to have them come, I didn't want someone trying to convert me to their religion. I found that they truly focused on SPIRITUAL care, the care of my spirit. We talked about ways to deal with stress and uncertainty. It was also someone who I could share my heart felt fears with and not worry that I was adding to their burden, like it would be if I vented to Dode or my mom.

Greg and Gary came and performed a guitar concert for me.

attending art therapy

knitting a wash cloth

Jacob bought me this for Christmas.  I drank at least two full bottles a day.  I always asked for it to be filled to the top with ice and then water added.

This little fan was a life saver.  I was very overheated even if the room was cool.  Without the fan, my nightgown would be wet with sweat and sweat would run down my sides.  With the fan I could stay comfortable.  It blew on me 24 hours a day for seven weeks.

I was thankful for every day I was able to remain pregnant. We made it to our scheduled delivery date. As we got close, the doctor confided in me that she never really believed I'd make it that far. I'd had so many bleeds, they were sure the babies would have to come earlier. I had mixed feelings as we arrived at the delivery date. Thankfulness that we'd made it that far but grief and guilt that because of complications with my body, my sweet babies would have to be brought into the world early. I knew they would be born before they were ready and would need to spend time in the NICU. I knew I would never again get the feeling of a baby moving within me. I was terrified for what would happen during the delivery. I just wanted to stay pregnant forever! Since that wasn't an option, I had to try to be as happy with possible at making it to our goal date, January 31^st.

one week left

To say it was a growth experience for me is quite an understatement. I had blessings but not once did they promised healing, or safe babies. Instead, I was blessed with strength and with the ability to still be a mom, even long distance. Sometimes I wonder why sending twins to a mom over 40 wasn't enough of a growth experience for me but I know that's a different type of test, one we are just beginning. The test He had for me at present was to show me the gaps in my faith and ask me to fix them. When confronted with my own mortality, the burden I refused to hand on to Him was total submission to His will. That if it was His will that I not pull through, I was OK. I wrestled with it over and over, asked Him to help me. I never got there. In the end, the closest I got was to be able to say, “Help me to want to submit to your will.”  I'm here today to write this, proof that I didn't have to make the ultimate sacrifice for my children.

Stay tuned for Part 2: Delivery Day and Part 3: Recovering